I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
