I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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