when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
