So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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