I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
