In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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