i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
