true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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