it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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