she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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