I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize