my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
