Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
