Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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