in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
