when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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