nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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