After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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