I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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