Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
