i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
