My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize