Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
