Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
