PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
