in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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