We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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