trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
