did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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