Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
