South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
