my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize