I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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