and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
