I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize