Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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