He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
