Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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