Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
you win again, gameday.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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