Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
