There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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