The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
