So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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