ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
