I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
