You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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