I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
