Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize