I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize