He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
