My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
