Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
