TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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