my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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