nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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