Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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