found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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