god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
