What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
