Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
When are your genitals available?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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