i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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