Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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