it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
