you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
