i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
