I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
