i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My Higher Power is John Stamos
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize