he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's blow job season.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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